As I write this blog post, I am practically removing the mask from my face and literally exposing my raw emotions which no one has ever seen before. This blog post, in particular, will focus on what it is like living through a facade, not being able to reveal your deeper emotions due to the negative connotations based around them and the way people see me through their eyes and the way I actually am. Everyone around me normalizes living through a facade when in fact it is not normal but then again what is normal? My definition of normal is different from other persons.
I truly do not know what it is like to reveal my true emotions to the world around me, some persons are able to express it so freely and calmly, I’ve seen this with my own eyes but for me it is different. I almost feel like all my emotions have slipped through my fingers and I cannot pick them back up. To the world, I show myself as someone carefree, a person who has every single ounce of happiness stored within their heart, mind, and soul. To be blunt with you all, I am still learning what it means to be happy but it truly is a beautiful process allowing myself to feel an emotion as beautiful as happiness. I never allowed myself to experience what it means to be truly happy because I did not know what to do with it but I’ve discovered my happiness is in writing and publishing the thoughts, ideas and feelings in my mind. The world sees me in such a positive light but I cannot stress this enough to you all, I’ve been trying to turn all my lifelong struggles into positivity and remove my mask which hides the inner Mariam almost screaming to come out, the inner Mariam was trapped but every day I am letting her out bit by bit and one way I have done this is through pursuing my writing.
Oh, it is hard to truly reveal my emotions because of all the negativity based around them, although I do feel pain hiding every single bit of me to the world around me, at this point in life I would rather live through the pain. This will change, I promise you, the real me is coming out bit by bit every day and you will never recognise this old Mariam you thought you all knew. Not being able to reveal my rawest emotions almost feels like I am being strangled and not able to speak let alone breathe. I look around my environment and the people around me and I think to myself “are these people too living almost a life of a lie?” or is it just me? I think you might be thinking to yourself “well if you don’t want to live a lie then just stop”.
I wish it was as simple as that, I wish I could be the whole Mariam which as I said is coming out bit by bit but it is a long, hard process which I have never allowed myself to take over the years due to fearing change. Now I see change as beautiful and it allows you to experience things freely.
The world sees me as someone who isn’t serious about anything or anyone, they see me as someone who is almost deluded and does not see the bigger picture in anything, even in the tiniest things and they see me as problematic and unapologetic. To everyone who sees me as this, I don’t blame you because this is the person you digest from my aura but I hope you all know, none of you truly know me and every single day I am changing for the better and not for the worst. If anything, only 2 people know the true extent of the lifelong struggles I have been through and the way I am changing them to fit this new positive person I have lusted to be.
You will all see the change and it will hit you in your face.